The family is away and I am home alone. As a series of tweets

Wife and kids are out of town for the next two days. I miss them already. In my underwear. Eating cheetos. Watching Netflix. #TheHorror
The hardest thing about having to stay home when your wife and kids take a short vacation is making sure they don't know how excited you are by prospect.
For the next 2 days, it will be like I'm in an alternate universe where I never got married. But my house is strangely filled with toys.
It's like Home Alone. Except no one left me behind. And it's not Christmas. And I'm not a kid. You know what, it's nothing like Home Alone.
The last time I was left at home alone, I watched all three Lord of the Rings, and blew $250 at online poker. Pretty sure I can top that.
She phones me only an hour after leaving. "Do you miss us yet?" she asks. "I sure do!" I agree. "Say, do you know if we own a blowtorch?"
Strangely paralyzed with indecision. What do I do first? A movie? Video games? Eat Cheetos in my underwear? Get drunk and yell at the walls?
Here I am alone in the house for the first time in years, and stupid Netflix keeps recommending kids movies. Damn you, children!
The only problem with being home without the wife and kids is that, at bedtime, you kind of want to check for monsters under the bed.
The wife and kids are out of town. On my first night alone, I did nothing. Turns out they're not holding me back. I'm just lazy.
For my first dinner without the rest of my family, I wanted go to somewhere they wouldn't normally want to go to. But I'm lazy. I went to the Food Court.
Last night, I could have gone to the Cineplex to watch a blockbuster. Instead, I watched Netflix. A movie from last year. That I've seen before.
Now that my wife and kids are out of town, the only rebel thing I can think to do is cook up some organ meat. #F***ThePolice
Psychological breakthrough. Now that the wife and kids are out of town, I have discovered my inner child. He likes Cheetos and Netflix.

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