An analysis of the alphabet. In a dumb kind of way.


When I was a child, my favorite letter was the letter W, for many well formed  reasons.  Mostly, I liked W because I always cheer for the underdog. And the letter W stuck out like a sore thumb.

First, it was the only letter that required three syllables. Even though I was just a kid, I still recognized the irony.

Second, there was no real difference between the capital and lower case w. Most letters had different lower case representations, but the capital W looked like a small case w, only bigger, as if it was a little bit closer.
 
But W was my favorite. Sometimes I used to pretend that the letter W and I were friends. We had adventures, and the letter W was always my biggest supporter. No matter what I did, how I did it, whenever I looked at the letter W, it was cheering.

It was a very inquisitive letter. It was always asking me Who, What, Where, When, and sometimes Why. I guess it had to ask me those questions, because it wasn't getting any answers out of of X, which just sat there, all mysterious, marking the spot, waiting to be solved. Nobody liked the letter X. Nobody had any use for it, except to make countless generations of toddlers start their musical awareness thinking that the xylophone was perhaps the most important instrument in the universe, judging by how many times it appeared in My First Word books. It was a letter I'm sure was on the spectrum,

W, for all its Weaknesses, knew its place in the World, not like the letter Y which couldn't be trusted. Was it a consonant or a vowel? Sometimes yes, sometimes no. It couldn't make up its mind and I never wanted it to be on my team, especially if there were lives on the line. I need a letter that has no commitment issues.

I also appreciated the letter W's self-deprecation. It was right at the back of the alphabet, out of the limelight, silently Wondering about the World While it Waited to be noticed. It wasn't like the letter A, which was the point man of the alphabet, and it always had to be first.

The letter B wasn't much better: it wanted to Be first, but couldn't be Bothered to try harder and always came in second to the letter A.

The letter C always scared me, because it Couldn't make up its mind. Did it make a hard "k" sound, or a soft "s" sound. The letter C was bipolar, and I couldn't trust it, I knew.

Speaking of letters that made me suspicious, I was never comfortable with the letter Q. What was it's game anyway? How come it always dragged along the letter U with it? Either Q was too insecure to do anything by itself, or U had terrible eyesight and needed to a special aide.

Speaking of insecure letters, the letter T had no shortage of self confidence. It always struck me as the strong man in the alphabet. Straight as an arrow, narrow hips and wide shoulders. The letter T definitely spent time at the gym. Not like the letter B which had developed a Beer Belly and Boobs (unless B is a lady in which case she's pregnant and lactating), or the letter R, which I thought was actually an incontinent letter P, taking a leak where it stands.

But I've grown up now, and I no longer thing of W as a friend, or a confidante. W is not my favorite letter. Men in their forties don't have favorite letters.

Although I kind of identify with the letter Z. The Canadian letter (pronounced zed), not the American one.




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